Day 6: Escape
Some days you wake up and you feel like, you are exactly where you want to be and need to be, or at least one of which. Sometimes it almost feels like you're being robbed of your youth, time and passion while other times... it feels good to be surviving such a tough life, in a rat race that is constantly sped up.
While other days you wake up completely lost and begging for mercy.
The daily life in the world of the corporates can be dull and grey. I sometimes think it takes someone insane than someone sane to wake up everyday and keep going through the same routine over and over again. It drives me bonkers sometimes and I really do feel like I am losing it.
I hate the way we talk at work and structure our emails, I despise the rules and regulations and anything to do with SLAs and timelines and dear lord, dare I say death by power-point.
I try my hardest to obey certain rules because God knows without them certain things would collapse but the more I stay, the bigger the shackles get I feel, sometimes.
This isn't my everyday vibe, no, not really on some days I see the bigger picture, the jungle and its adventures and everything I have achieved and learned, but some days I struggle finding that balance of sanity and insanity.
Between boredom and excitement I sit there wondering why am I always feeling things so much. Feeling things either with extremity or nothingness. Numbness is frightening for me. I don't mind feeling something so hard, sadness or happiness. But trying to control those emotions so that I am always "balanced" and so that I don't "over-do" anything that can cause me any sort of pain or trouble, that's where things not only get super boring and predictable for me but that's where passion is lost for me.
Controlling behavior is one thing, whilst controlling feelings is a completely different matter.
Some people I have met and work with are great at both but in all cases seem dead to me. Always cool, calm and collected, I just can't stand that, it reeks normal and boring to me and I couldn't be like them even if I wanted to.
The work environment will eventually mold you into someone who is fit to work the way they want you to work in the manner they'd like you to do so. It is usually hard to resist this just because your work is all about dealing with people and procedures.
But have no fear, this is not the end, the world continues to revolve and there is yet hope that one day you will either find the freedom you need in what you're doing, or you'll develop the bravery you need to do what it is you were really destined to do.
In all cases, know this, you are not alone my friend. You are not alone.
Until tomorrow inshallah, live & love with kindness.