DEPRESSION; THE MONSTER
Updated: Dec 21, 2017
Electricity, that's what it feels like, electric anger that ignites deep inside and works its way out slowly and persistently.
Sparks of sadness that form cells of depression climb their way slowly towards my brain. Agitation narrows itself right through to my finger tips and I want to scream and cry but I feel frozen because I am exhausted. I am in pain with no where to go and no specific reason to hold accountable at that given moment or phase that I can point to and say “that’s why I'm suffering!”.
And then there you have it, depression takes over. It covers the eyes and becomes the optical lens I see the world with and it could last for a day, a week, months and even years. It all depends on how I tackle it and how strong I am in over coming it.
Which brings me to my next point, I'm not always strong enough to conquer this monster, but when I am I feel like a freaking beast.
You know I could sit here and quote specialists, physicians and even psychiatrists, on what depression is exactly and how one can deal with it; the percentage of people who get it and those who lose their lives to it, but I won't.
Why quote someone else when it’s something I deal with and something I want to talk about from my own personal experience. I want to offer my own voice, a very transparent, honest and raw documentation of what happens to me and what I do when this monster is in town.
HOW IT ALL STARTED
At first I didn’t understand what it was, whenever I’d get depression, I would safely assume it was "mood swings". My mind would tell me that I'm either hormonal, bored, or "not thankful enough for the things I have"as my mom would say. People would tell me “You have things others would only dream of, there’s no reason to be upset or depressed.” They’d say depression is for people who are single, people who are sick, people with no one to love them, or people who don’t have money, or family.
And so I struggled for years to understand what it was that came to visit ever so often and didn’t leave until... I’d had enough. Yes, until it just decided it didn't need to have me live in misery anymore, until one day I’d wake up and just instantly feel better; completely not on purpose from my end.
One random day, as I sat on the couch watching TV I heard a couple of actors discussing depression, actors I won’t mention right now, and I was like, “Hey! This all sounds oddly familiar, this isn't just me!!”
When I realized I wasn't crazy, I decided I needed a plan to figure this whole thing out without a psychiatrist or a shrink. I began to dig deep down talking to myself about the things I’ve kept locked up for years that I never spoke about even to myself and I asked “is that you guys talking to me? Are you asking for an outlet and thus this depression?”.
I couldn’t get any answers because I was still subconsciously locking up all the conversations I didn’t want to have with anyone including myself. Conversations about everything and anything I have suppressed since the day I learned to... suppress anything really.
And here's the thing, I didn't know if the answers I got would be the reason or the solution to this depression. So I kept it all on. And I decided that there must be a way around this mess without causing too much damage.
FIGHTING THE MONSTER
I started talking to myself a lot, not like in the street in a crazy way that freaks people out but like really talking to myself everytime I was either too happy or too sad.
I had decided not to repeat past mistakes even if I wasn't going to solve my past issues.
I stopped pressuring myself to be happy all the time, I stopped bullying myself into being happy 24/7 just because I was told I had to be because I was more fortunate than others.
That was a load I just couldn't carry anymore, I had to come to terms with the fact that it just isn't normal to try to always be happy, or even satisfied. I also didn't want to be "normal", I stopped wanting to "fit in" because that's when I really lost sight of who I was and what it is I really wanted.
I faded away when I wanted to fade in.
I started asking myself who I really wanted to be without being terrified of the answer or of my ability to achieve whatever it is I truly and deeply desired.
I remember distinctively the moment I stood in front of the mirror and looked at every single thing I never loved, or even liked and I pushed myself to see these things differently. I didn't have to love these flaws immediately, I just had to stop not liking them, wanting to look at them with pride and kindness. Yes, Kindness, that's exactly what I needed from myself.
So what are my steps for dealing with depression every time it hits me hard?
Find out in my next blog post x
Until next time, live & love with kindness!