• Amira

love story of "nothing"

This is based on a true story, and the owner of this story has given me full rights to include all of the details I have below. I want to thank her for her bravery and for opening up to me the way she has. It's beautiful and courageous and it's very empowering. Thank you to her for trusting me and I hope I have passed along her experience to you all in a way you can learn from and understand her experience. There's a little take out below in the story from her actual diary, this is not my writing this was actually written by the girl herself and she shared it with me to share it with you all! I am beyond blessed with this trust.

Some love stories are meant to be long and realistically happy, while others are long and do involve love but they're not love stories per se. They're  stories about betrayal and pain and someone who's in love or at least thinks they're in love. But when the heart breaks so hard, is it still a love story? 

And so, invested as she could ever be, she felt love she couldn't ignore at the sweet age of 14. Yes, the cliche high school sweethearts and then college lovers, she loved this guy like there was no tomorrow. In her head she'd married him over and over again, she couldn't see herself without him.

Everyone always looked at them with love and admiration for from the outside they seemed like they knew exactly what they wanted, and that was each other. After college graduation, it was hard to convince her father with the guy she loved, he had proposed but her father had his own reasons to try to resist saying "yes". Her father believed that this boy who had asked for his daughter's hand in marriage had no clear or bright future. But we all know that when daddy's girl loves hard enough, her father, by time, tends to give in to see his daughter happy. It's a risk the parents take just as their children do.

And then it happened, the big day, the engagement she's been dreaming of to the man she's been dying to start spending the rest of her life with for the past 7 years. To her misfortune (or at least she thought) her fiance had to travel only 2 days post their engagement as he had received a job offer abroad. She had to wait 6 months to see him again because that was when his next holiday would be. However, as he walked into the airport and said goodbye to her, she sensed something incredibly cold and distant from him, but she quickly blamed the situation and his current stress and obligation to this new job so she let it go.

She couldn't get a hold of him the way she needed the first couple of days and every time she'd asked if he was alright, he said it was just jet lag. Day after day, his answer was "jet lag".

Finally after a long await, from her end at least, she got to set her eyes on him and be with him. He'd been away for six months and she'd been having a hard time being without him.

They'd decided to go out with some friends that night, so her fiance picked her up with one of his friends sitting next to him in the passenger seat. 

"Babe, take my phone put on some music for us." he told her.

"Sure, I can DJ the hell out of this car ride" she responded.

Her mind started to wonder about what things she'd find if shed looked through his phone. She'd never really done it before but since he's been so distant and awkward from the minute he traveled, she was curious to know what he'd been up to. 

Whatsapp, that's where her thumbs took her. She was unaware that there was no music playing, therefore, there was the conversation going on between her fiance and his friend.

Scrolling through his Whatsapp messages she saw names of friends and family, nothing unusual so she she kept scrolling. She then came across an unfamiliar name, a name she hadn't heard of ever in their conversations. She always thought he'd told her everything about his day and who he'd met, but this name... this name was off her radar.

From the preview of the conversation all she could see was her fiance's name. Yes, this person had written his name in a way she felt she was calling him. It made her feel so uncomfortable and so curious that she had to tap on the conversation to open it and see everything. 

The first words she read were, "I miss your sweaty body on mine, I miss your lips on my body, come back to me." She was in total shock and she felt her stomach turn a million times over with knives in its core turning and burning in her. She then decided to be a little more daring and open the shared media between them. A world on their own, her fiance had been living different lives and she was stuck in one big lie. She found that they shared nude pictures of them with each other, nude pictures of them together, pictures of her own fiance Skyping with this girl's family. She had chills run right through to the tips of her body. And then there was one photo in particular that burned right through her heart, a photograph of both of them in matching pajamas, sitting on his living room couch in his apartment that she'd never even visited. 

She'd wasted the last 8 years of her life, giving her everything to this guy, nay, this boy who stole everything she had not only gave her nothing in return but gave her pain, misery, disloyalty, and garbage of a mess to deal with now. 

"Babe, where's the music, what are you doing?" her fiance asked but she was in complete shock that she couldn't respond, so he repeated the question.

"Whatsapp", she finally replied. 

"What are you doing on my Whatsapp?" he asked anxiously.

"I'm reading the conversation between you and Faith", she responded bluntly. She then immediately sat on her knees and moved the phone with her right hand towards the back window stretching it out as far as she could.

Her fiance was mad and furious, persistently trying to get a hold of that phone but unable to realize that the damage was already done. 

His friend asked to be dropped off anywhere so as to leave them room to deal with this.

All she kept hearing from him was that she'd meant nothing to him. 

"Nothing, she means nothing, it was all physical, that's all" he kept repeating.

"Nothing?" she kept repeating to herself.

All she kept replaying in her head was the word "nothing". She was terrified to even think what he would've done with her if whatever they had was actually "something" to him.

Lies. All lies. It was all one big lie.

She heard nothing of what he said that night, she just kept hearing the words "Nothing, it meant nothing." In a strange way she wanted to cling on to these words with the denial she was now leaning heavily on. But deep down she knew this was all burned outwith no hope of recovery.

Telling her parents what had happened was one of the hardest things she had to do. Her father immediately felt like he was mostly to blame because he'd agreed to this relationship.

"I should've never let you be with him, I always knew he wrong for you." her father said.

She crawled into her bed, and stayed there for months on end. Six months in bed, unable to eat, hair thinning out, phone calls from friends with all of their dirt on her now ex fiance and how he had never ever been loyal in the first place. They told her how he'd always take off his engagement ring when he was abroad without her, how he limited his Facebook profile so no one would see photos of him with her and know that he's in a relationship and how he'd hooked up with so many other other girls during his travels with his friends. It all kept hitting her one story at a time.

And then the day came when she finally left her bed and decided to go out and meet her friends and try to pick up her life one piece at a time again. After she'd gone out with her friends and came back home, she realized it didn't help and the pain was still there, so she took to her diary and wrote:

I went out today,

And even though it's still June, my clothes felt so heavy.

The air felt so heavy.

My stomach felt so heavy.

Everybody tried to be extra nice to me today.

They said I looked better without you, that my face looked brighter.

Can't comprehend how since I haven't slept in four days.

My mom told me that the sleeping pills had to stop.

I got complimented on my red lipstick today.

They don't know I bit off my lips raw from the trauma,

so I had to cover it up with a darker shade of red than my blood's.

They kept trying to talk to me about the game on TV.

Their voices sounded muzzled under the thoughts in my head.

I kept replaying things over and over like the commentator on TV

One, I saw the pictures.

Two, I threw your phone at you.

Three, you called me crazy.

Four, I said I hate you.

Five, you said I'm crazy.

Six, I said I hate you.

Seven, I started crying.

Eight, blur.

Nine, I'm in my bed at home, and my dad sits in a chair in the corner of my room.

Ten, blur.

Eleven, calling you to say I forgive you

Twelve, blur.

Thirteen, I hate myself.

This isn't our forever.

Our forever was beautiful.

Is this my forever?

She put her pen down and then remember the image of them both in their pajamas. She went to sleep with her tears on her pillow and heartbreak on her mind.

He'd been calling her begging to meet and talk and finally she had agreed. They went back to the place they first met and sat on a bench. He went on and on about his mistakes and how he wants one more chance to fix things and how sorry he was but all she could think about what that she could not let herself marry this person. She couldn't imagine arguing with him after they got married about who might be cheating with, she couldn't imagine having to fight with their dad in front of them about loyalty and trust issues. That's not the life she wanted for herself and she couldn't take the risk of hoping he'd change.

And just as she was about to get up from the bench and walk away forever he said, "I'll always feel butterflies when I see you because I loved you too much." She had no idea what he was talking about but the funny thing is she too had those same butterflies every time she bumped into him after that but it eventually faded.

The world is filled with pain and those who are more than willing to put us through it, but there's also those who will go to the moon and back just to see us smile. They make us feel loved and appreciated. And even though it took her some time to heal she then continued to live her life and met the man who she likes to call "the chosen one".

And indeed he is chosen, chosen to be with her, chosen to love her for who she is and chosen to never betray her or hurt her but love her the way she needs to be loved. And indeed she has chosen to love him for he was more worthy than anyone else of her love and her devotion.

- The End.


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