When you're gone
Updated: Oct 30, 2018
"I'm missing you.", you say to yourself.
"I can't believe that you're gone. I am missing you. Time passes and still I am missing you.", you cry to yourself.
Loss is hard, letting go is hard and it's always easy for us to advise others to move on and assume that it's not as hard as others show it to be when it hasn't happened to us personally; until it does.
I've been discussing this issue with different people a lot lately, how do we deal or adapt with losing others, whether it's that you fall out with a close friend, leave a lover or be left by a lover,(rejection: I will discuss that later) or lose someone dear to you because they are no longer with us here... in this world.
Well this is what I want to talk to you about today briefly because I've been asked for my humble opinion.
Some people you lose because they... pass away, they are now somewhere else and yet we are still here, in this world without them. And you quickly come to understand and feel that this pain is almost destructive if you don't get a hold of it before it gets a hold of you. Sometimes people ask me how do you cope with the loss of someone, forever. From my experience there's no clear cut easy answer. They are gone, and you're here, without them. Everywhere you go that you'd been with them is drenched with your memories together, things you'd do together and even music you'd listen to together. Words they said would start playing over and over again in your memories catching you at any given moment.
Because guess what.. pain does not ask for permission to take control over you. It does not wish for supervision or any sort of predictability and thus lies its power.
It catches you off guard and it then depends on your strength and will power to fight off at least a considerable amount of that pain so to not fall and break.
So you think to yourself "I'd give anything to see your face", You cry and you plead "No-one can take your place, I miss you."
It's okay to cry, it's okay to hurt. We loose our dearest and nearest, who can handle that with ease or grace, it would be unfathomable to me to see someone able to hold all that pain in. I'd expect an explosion of some sort at some point and that doesn't usually end well.
So what can you do, from my humble experience, first of all pray for them and talk to them sometimes like they're still there, that way you'll feel like you're doing something good for them and you'd be getting all that you have inside out, with them, even if it's just in your head. But your mind needs to release these feelings and these words to the person consuming your thoughts and your heart so that it might rest at some.
My next suggestion would be to try to do good in any shape or form every time they come to your mind, say something kind to someone, help someone less fortunate than you, light a candle for them and tell them you have to let go but that they'll always be in your heart. Let go. At some point, you decide when , let go because there's an art to letting go that you need to master at some point in your life or else life's tough punches will eventually knock you down hard and you might never be able to get back up and move forward.
Some people we lose because they change, they stop loving us, needing us, wanting us, or are no longer able to handle us, in all cases things can wear out, fall apart, outgrow themselves.. or call it whatever you want.
Now, here's the other question I get frequently, what happens if or when one loses a dear friend, a very dear person to the heart that we consider family, a husband, a wife, a mom, a sister... I can go on forever. Anyone who was someone really, someone who was close because we were lovers, great friends or very close family and they changed, so things the relationship changed.
I think it's safe to say we all experience this (loss, or drifting of a dear one) in one way or another. We lose friends, we become distant to people we thought we could never lose. Divorce, break ups, friendships faded, you know, all that mess. Things don't always have to end in a fight or with cussing and shouting.
Some love stories, some beautiful friendships end in the most silent of wars that take place in the warmest of places, inside our emotions, our memories, our hearts, our daily decisions because we can't help but grow, and we can't help but change.
And when that change happens, whether it's to you or to the person close to you, the war begins. Each side fighting for what they wish to maintain, or for what they wish to change. And it's not always the case where you're both on the same page, because we were all created different.
I asked some people I know what they thought of this whole letting go situation and the majority of those who responded said it's all about learning to let go no matter how much it hurts because it's for the best. Eventually it's for the best.
So the scenario could be as follows, someone falls out of love, someone changes and wants to be accepted, or someone fails to love or fails to accept the other's change, be them friends or lovers or even family. But hear me say this, if you both truly meant something to each other if only for a little while, there's pain to be felt from both ends, whether or not you both show it. Yes, we all show feelings differently, some more than others, some more expressive and intense, but the pain is there, the amount though I cannot predict or justify.
We love differently and every single one of us out there wishes to be loved in their own individual way. Despite the damage eternally or momentarily caused. The fact of the matter is, when these people walk out of our lives, a part of who we are changes and requires either minimal or monumental adjustment.
Losing a friend is painful, some say it could even be more painful than losing a lover, guess what, I kind of think that's true in some cases. There are friends I lose caused me greater pain that any other.
So here's the deal, if you truly believe that your friendship and/or relationship with someone has ended and it's for their best, your best or both your bests... then let it go. Let it hurt for the time it will but don't let it take over you or pro-long. Take all that you can from that relationship, the good and bad, learn from it all and then invest your love and your time in those who are still with you, still love you because they're worth it.
Would love to hear more of your experiences on this so leave your comments below and let me know what topics you want me to discuss and cover.
Until next time, live & love with kindness.